


Eggsy and the Incubus

by midnightsharks



Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: F/M, Humor, Infidelity, M/M, Mentions of Masturbation, Paranormal AU, Teen Eggsy, and of being sex slave, incubus, kingsman Lee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-11
Updated: 2018-12-11
Packaged: 2019-09-16 01:17:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16944258
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/midnightsharks/pseuds/midnightsharks
Summary: Mr. Hart is the last person to be thought of as a 'sex demon’. He is this fifty-ish old man wearing square type glasses and a tasteful red robe over white pyjamas._Eggsy asks the incubus to teach him to be better at sex.It doesn't work out the he way expects.





	Eggsy and the Incubus

**Author's Note:**

> Although it is mentioned, nothing actually happens to Eggsy so I don't tag it as underage.  
> \--  
> This is an old fic which I moved from Tumblr.

“Let me see if I understand this correctly, Mr. Unwin.” The incubus leans back to study Eggsy who is sitting before him. “ You want me to teach you to be better at sex.”

For a second, Eggsy wants to take it all back. This is the worst idea he has ever come up with. This tops the time where he stole Rottie’ s car and crashed it to avoid hitting a stray fox. And that incident happened just late last night . Now it is two in the morning and he is in the lair of an incubus making an outrageous proposition.

“Yeah, that’s right.” Trust Eggsy to go through with any ridiculous plans. It’s his habit of getting into stupid situations and somehow escaping them ( case in point how he had gotten to outrun the cops after wrecking the car).

His dad is gonna know though. No matter what part of the world his dad may be, Eggsy always gets a call from him within the 24 hours of his fuckup .

His mum doesn’t know shit but she thinks dad is screwing around while he’s traveling on his tailor job. She even buys some ‘truth pills’ from the internet . She didn’t get to use it since his dad is paranoid but Eggsy got the chance to slip it into his drink cuz he’s sneaky like that.

In his defense, Eggsy did it to only find out if his dad is indeed cheating and probably get an excuse to beat him up or use it as 'you can’t lecture me shit’ if mum’s suspicions turn out to be true.

But boy oh boy, Eggsy gets more than he bargained for. His dad tells him everything: His tailor job is a front and he actually works in an agency that fights terrorists and rogue paranormal entities. Swears down he’s faithful to his mum and the only time he’s had sex on the job is to save a dying incubus.

Eggsy skips his original plans. One reason is that there’s no way he can win over someone who wrestles with werewolves. Another is he’s watched enough spy movies to know that blackmailing a secret organization is a bad idea .

His dad doesn’t remember the talk happened and Eggsy is not keen on reminding him. But then Eggsy remembers the story as he is fleeing from the cops. He happens to be in the area where the incubus lives.

Eggsy thinks that since his dad saved his life, the incubus will help him.

So now here he is. Safe and sound in this old lady style dining area, sharing tea with Mr. Hart, the incubus, at arse o clock in the morning.

Mr. Hart is the last person to be thought of as a 'sex demon’. He is this fifty-ish old man wearing square type glasses and a tasteful red robe over white pyjamas. His hair is groomed within the one minute period between sleeping soundly and entertaining an impromptu guest, which is to say none at all.

Mr. Hart puts too much sugar on his tea but Eggsy makes do of this oversight by diluting his drink with more milk than necessary.

“Does your father know you are here?” Mr. Hart asks.

As if on cue, Eggsy’s phone rings. He doesn’t even bother looking at the screen and answers the phone a ’ Hey pops!’.

Eggsy moves the phone away from his ear before he goes deaf from the noise on the other line.

“ I’m fine, dad. Let’s chat later.”

Of course that doesn’t go well with his dad who has just announced that he’s connected his mum to a conference call. Already Eggsy can hear his mum’s anxious commentaries.

Then of course Eggsy drops it. “ I’m here with Mr. Hart. Says he’s your friend. So it’s okay, right?”

He’s never heard his dad shut up so fast. This gets to be under ’ suspicious behavior  level category A’ and his mum is all over it like Mulder on Torchwood.

Any semblance of parental solidarity in the front of an erring teen gets thrown out of the window. Mr Hart looks at a distance and wishes he would rather be somewhere else.

Most likely in bed. Sleeping.

Eggsy takes the opportunity to make a hasty exit from the awkward squabble. He smiles at the incubus and shrugs his shoulders.

Mr. Hart avoids his gaze and huffs out loud.

“ Very well.” Harry concedes. “Before anything else, I’d like you to sign this. Call it an enrollment contract if you will.” The incubus produces a paper and pen out of thin air and lays them in front of Eggsy to see.

“This isn’t gonna cost me my soul, is it?”

“ I am not interested in the incorporeal, Mr. Unwin.” Mr. Hart replies.

That’s where Eggsy gets to read the part of the contract: .’..should the student back out or fail the course, he shall be deemed as an available food source for the educator for an indeterminate amount of time…’

“Wait ! You’re gonna make me a sex slave?”

“That’s an extreme definition of the consequence . ” Mr. Hart tuts.“ Think of it as making you the pizza boy but you happen to be a pizza. You can go on with your life as you like but you have to make yourself available when I call. I would rather not have a repeat of last time when I almost starved to death. A very rare circumstance , mind you, but I was wounded and bedridden at that time and not fit for going out to acquire sustenance.”

“ How do I know that you won’t do something funny and sabotage me ?” Eggsy challenges.

“ You don’t .” Harry counters.“ It’s not even to my benefit to teach you the ways of how our kind survives. But you seem to be the type who gets into trouble and never takes things seriously. You don’t get to play around me ,Mr Unwin, and not get away with it.”

That gets on Eggsy’s nerves and next thing he knows, he’s signing his name above the dotted line.

“ Call me Eggsy , yeah? ” Eggsy puts down the pen and smirks.

Mr. Hart then puts down a stack of folders in front of Eggsy and says, “ Inside the red folder will be the list of topics for your two year sex education. Before we’ll even have our first class, you will need to read the indicated texts and articles in the blue envelope and do the exercises at the end of it.”

“ You ain’t joking. This is gonna be like a real class or something?” Eggsy sifts through the papers, dumbfounded at what he sees.

“ How am I supposed to fuck a unicorn? Are they even real?” Eggsy points at one of the lesson plans.

“ You’re getting ahead of yourself, Eggsy” Mr Hart flips the pages , “ That won’t happen until the first part of the second year.”

“ And yes.” Mr. Hart adds.“ I assure you that they are very real and very horny.”

“ Now” Mr. Hart stands up and Eggsy follows suit.“ As much I want to chitchat, I believe I discussed all what needs to be said.”

The incubus leads Eggsy out to his door. “ I will see you when you are done with your reading.” He gestures at the files that Eggsy carries.

And before Mr. Hart bids Eggsy farewell, he calls out a warning. “ Don’t even try to cheat. I will know if you do.”

——-

Lee Unwin, codename Lancelot, knocks on the door of his son’s room and lets himself in. “Hey Eggs, how’s it going? Your mom says you’ve hardly left the room.”

Eggsy merely looks up from whatever paper he’s reading and says, “ Did you know that there are 456 types of wanking? Fuckin hell ! I’m just at 12 and my dick’s chaffed.”

“Is this a bad time?” Lee places one foot back. “ Cuz I can always come back when you’re done with whatever it is—” and waves in Eggsy’s general direction.

And then.

“ What the hell were you doing in Harry’s house,huh? How did you even know about him?”

“ You told me about him and said he owes you a favor.” Eggsy replies.

“ I did?”

“Yeah. You probably didn’t know cuz you were out of it last month and I was like ’ Dad, I wanna borrow the car.’ Then you said,’ I saved the the world several times , lad. A little gratitude would be nice.’ I go ’ Wow, dad, aces. Gimme the keys, yeah?’. Then you rambled on and on til it was late and I didn’t even get to use the car.”

There is truth in Eggsy’s narration. About 29% of it.

“So what’s this then?” Lee picks up some the papers on the bedside table.

“My two year education with Mr. Hart.”

Lee pauses with his hand holding the syllabus . He can only stare in fear and shock as two disasters of his life come to collide: The unstoppable stupidity meets an immovable idiocy.

Lee should be screaming. He probably is. So loud that the sound cannot be detected by human ears.

“ Have you gone bonkers?” Lee hisses in fury.“ These creatures are real, Eggsy.”

“ I know. Mr. Hart told me about the unicorn.”

“ It’s not just about that bloody unicorn. ” Lee presents the syllabus at Eggsy’s eye level in case his son has not read it yet . “I’ve fought some of these monsters and you’re gonna what…shake your knob and arse at them and wish for the best?”

“ If all goes well then yeah ,dad. I’m gonna fuck them all.”


End file.
